Monkey Business

The World in Stereotypes – Volume 1, the former colony of Florida

Our intrepid travel correspondent, Ian Napton, has sent this report from the former colony of Florida.

Elderly people, rednecks, eating without cutlery, alligators and billboards advertising the services of personal injury lawyers. All on the list of stereotypes about Florida, and I’m pleased to confirm that all of these reputational slurs are entirely deserved.

I can further add that in the opinion of the locals, Trump needs to be more right wing, the death penalty isn’t severe enough punishment and Jesus is great.

It was  a treat to discover that eating chicken wings is mandatory, all houses must have at least one rocking chair and gloves and scarves come out for schoolchildren when the temperature falls to about 20 degrees.

The locals are mostly friendly, although my hosts’ next door neighbour was arrested for drugs and firearms offences shortly before my arrival. As far as I’m aware no-one has been shot recently, but I’ve only been here for 36 hours, so it’s still early.

Floridians have strange ideas about the value of money, insisting that $2 is expensive for a gallon of petrol, but believing that $109 to visit a poverty-stricken student dressed up in a Mickey Mouse costume is reasonable.

They have significant experience in God bothering, too. As a result, God never takes his holidays here as he gets sick of signing autographs for people who tell him they aren’t worthy.

During a recent television appearance to raise money for the church, God implored viewers to call 1-800-Donate to secure a place in Heaven before slipping out the tv studio back door and into his waiting Rolls-Royce as soon as the phones started ringing. The Church is big business and the local population is keen to invest heavily.

Florida; Because old people like, guns, bargain buckets, a warm climate and they all believe they’re going to Heaven.

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