Monkey News

Catastrophe in the southern English village of Datchet as 1 mm of snow causes chaos

Gillian Napton has suffered an injury to her pride, following an unfortunate fall on her front steps.

Attempting to prepare for the severe weather, Gillian had made an emergency expedition to Aldi, for crisis rations and a snow shovel. Heavily laden with thirty-six pints of milk, ten loaves of bread and three litres of gin, Gillian sadly overbalanced into the herbaceous border.

With her self-esteem in tatters, she was forced to make an urgent call to her husband Ian. Unfortunately, he was unable to rush to her aid, owing to Southern Fail delays, as they had experienced 1 mm of snow.

Hindered by a dented ego and festooned with milk and gin, her only other option was to seek aid from her teenage children. After several failed attempts at summonsing them, she eventually succeeded by remotely switching off the wifi.

Gillian later complained, ‘’It was simply awful. The neighbours’ blinds were twitching and my cashmere scarf is ruined!’’ She went on to say, ‘’This catastrophe would’ve been averted entirely, if I had been wearing my Hunter wellies.’’

Happily, order was restored to the household, once Gillian had quaffed the contingency gin, she saved for calamitous situations and Wednesdays.

Readers are advised to take the perilous weather conditions into consideration, when attempting to make any journeys.

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