Sun. May 22nd, 2022

David Davis, the former Brexit Secretary and Army Cook, has dispelled rumours that he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job with the excavating behemoths JCB.

Critics were surprised by the appointment as there was little evidence that suggested he knew the difference between his arse and a hole in the ground. In fact he seemed to have difficulty finding his arse with both hands. 

However, when he was Brexit Secretary he did demonstrate outstanding hole digging ability. He made such an arse of the job he was able to dig himself into a whole big enough for the whole country to fall into.

Following this outstanding performance JCB were so delighted with his hole digging potential, they were willing to pay him £3,000 per hour as a professional Arseholeer.

JCB also employed Boris Johnson on a short term project, for a measly one-off payment of £10,000, and he was immediately able to dig himself into a nice big hole, by making a speech referencing JCB at least 4 times. His opponents were a little disappointed that he was unable to bury himself in this newly created hole.

If you are an MP and you believe you can recognise your arse from a hole in the ground, details of how to apply for the giant wads of JCB cash can be found on their website


By Bernard

Bernard has been with us since the beginning. Bright, funny and blessed with a sharp satirical edge are things he wish had been said about him.

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