Fear and chaos ensued in Shoreditch yesterday, when an a blue-collar worker, entered a high-end, artisan bakery.

At first, everyone remained calm and silent, until he took the provocative step of asking for a cut white loaf. Stunned, the assistant and drama student, Pippa Piper-Montacute, was unable to respond. Bravely, she endeavoured to offer the suspect a sourdough, gluten-free bloomer, as a means of placation. 

By this point, one bystander courageously cornered the dubious customer, by offering directions to the nearest Greggs. Recovering from her trauma, Felicia Ainsworth told us, ‘’One has to take swift action in these circumstances. Initially, I thought about throwing a digestive biscuit towards the door, to entice him out but only macaroons were available.’’

To make matters worse, the accused began to engage in, what can only be described as ‘hearty banter’. Making direct eye contact with Ms Ainsworth, he rumbled, ‘’You’re alright treacle. Only havin’ a butchers. Came in for a loaf for the trouble and strife and a Rosy Lee.’’

After consulting google translate, harmony resumed, when Miss Piper-Montacute passed a French baton across the counter. Unrepentant, the labourer left loudly, exclaiming, ‘’Loverly-jubbly girlies.’’