Tue. Jan 25th, 2022

The professional footballer Hakeem Al-Araibi, was due to be extradited to Bahrain from Thailand, to face charges of vandalism. He was alleged to have committed this crime whilst, simultaneously, playing in a televised football match. The charges have now been dropped.

He had further cause to celebrate after The Met Police cleared him of any involvement in the Ripper slayings that occurred in Whitechapel in the late 1880’s.

Officials explained their current thinking, “We’ve looked closely at the evidence and we’ve decided that it’s unlikely Hakeem was involved in the Ripper slayings, which were committed during the late Victorian era.

Asked to explain what evidence they had checked, officials were naturally cautious, “As the investigation is ongoing, we don’t want to say too much, but Hakeem’s birth certificate suggests he was born in the 20th century, which is somewhat outside of our timeline.”

“Additionally, we’ve re-examined eye-witness testimony and none of the statements show any reference to a professional footballer, of Middle-Eastern appearance. We do understand the distress this will cause readers of the Daily Mail and we would like to apologise for getting their hopes up.” 

Asked if they had any conclusive proof in the matter, the officials remained candid, “Just what do you think is going to turn up 150 years after the event? This is the most examined case in police history there is nothing new to find. We only keep it going because it gives serving officers a couple of easy days  and in this case, 3 weeks holiday in Thailand.”


By Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer is our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it. Always useful for a betting tip, whatever he advises, do the opposite. His best man was William Hill.

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