Sat. May 21st, 2022
Mark Francois Homunculus

The enormous cloud of anger, ignorance and intransigence emitted by the people of Britain has taken human form and called itself Mark Francois.

No record can be found of the creature’s existence before the country’s Brexit mania peaked at the beginning of this year, leading experts to believe the homunculus has been conjured up by mass psychosis.

This Mark Francois thing definitely wasn’t here before Christmas,” says House of Commons secretary Dennis Rolls. “Then one day in January this tiny, thick ball of wasted energy appeared and said it was an MP. So I let it in and now it’s on TV every single day. It’s everywhere and it’s unstoppable.”

Psychologist Emma Couch is baffled by the apparition. “Our best guess is that the sheer amount of stress emanating from the population has coalesced into this confused mass of self-righteousness, stupidity, belligerence and entitlement and grown really small legs and a fat head,” she says.

It’s not unknown for nations to collectively lose their minds and exhibit high levels of self harm, but actually having that reflected in physical form like this is a depressingly stupid new phenomenon,” she adds.

Some experts believe the Francois is a malevolent spirit summoned from hell to punish the British people for their idiocy. “Bloody typical,” says innocent bystander Steve Bloke. “We can’t even invoke a decent demon. You’d think it’d be a huge red monster with horns and a pointy tail. I bet the Italians could do one of those. But ours? A fat Tory buffoon dressed by its nanny and bellowing colonial nonsense out of its arse. We’re fucking useless, aren’t we?”

Brexit continues.


By Rhesus Mogg

With a penchant for wordiness, a love of real ale and sharp wit we are wondering why Rhesus is slumming it at Chatty. Although we are glad to have him, especially at opening time.

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