Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has hit back at critics by saying he’s quite capable of hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo, thank you very much.

“Let me be clear,” he told reporters. “I could shoot fish in a barrel if I wanted to, but I’m opposed to animal cruelty. I could steal candy from a baby but I’m very concerned about child welfare. If I wanted to fall off a log, I would first ensure that adequate health and safety procedures were in place.“

“I believe an open goal is the construct of an oppressive elite which seeks to take advantage of the weak and vulnerable and I will not do that,” he added. “Pie should not be easy and pieces of cake are harder than they look. When we see a sitting duck, I believe we should respect the legitimacy of its decision to sit undisturbed.“

“People say defeating Boris Johnson should be as easy as shelling peas, but let me tell you I’ve shelled a lot of peas down on my allotment and it’s actually really hard on your thumbs. Tom Watson keeps signing ‘Easy as ABC’ by the Jackson 5 but I really don’t think Anyone But Corbyn is the right tactic for me at the moment.“

When asked if his lack of action to avoid a calamitous Brexit was due to his indecisiveness, Mr Corbyn was adamant. “I’m not sure about that,” he said. “I’ll have to ask Seumas.”

“But to people who say I should shit or get off the pot I say this: my position is clear. I’ll wait until Johnson’s had a shit, and then I’ll get off the pot. Obviously this will mean I’ll be covered in Johnson’s shit. It’ll be the biggest pile of stinking-rich establishment disaster-capitalist xenophobic shite ever produced, but who’ll be responsible for cleaning it up? Me, that’s who.“

Time for a tee-shirt, so try this one on for size. Although not the Jeremy the designer had in mind when he created the tee-shit well…if it fits…. Just click on the picture, to buy one.