The Conservative Party is heading for oblivion after the last candidate in the Tory leadership race promised leaving Brexit with No Deal was ‘Political Suicide’.

This completes a clean sweep of prospective Tory leaders who have all promised that under any of the Brexit options The Tory Party will commit ‘Political Suicide’.

Ian Napton, speaking for a grateful nation, said ‘Thank God for that. Just when you give up hope of politicians doing anything sensible, along they come with promises of self-inhumation. Trouble with bloody politicians is that they always wheedle their way out of their promises.’

The candidates each confirmed support for one, or more, of the following suicidal options; No-Deal, Deal, Soft Brexit, Hard Brexit, Hard Brexit with soft bits, squidgy Brexit, remaining Brexit, Referenda or no referenda on all of the above, voting for the dancing dog on BGT and the controversial but inevitable Let’s Fuck Ireland option.

Political pundits pointed out that this was a great opportunity for Labour to come to power, all they have to do is come out with a clear Brexit policy. Tthe party insist they have a clear Brexit policy, which is ‘to say and do as little as possible in the hope that it all goes away’.

Following the death of the Tories the bookmakers have made Jeremy Corbyn Odds-On to finish second in the next General Election. Jeremy said, ‘We’re still committed to playing the long game.”