Stop making sh*t upMonkey News

Tory leadership candidate admits they’re now just ‘making up any old sh*t’

In a surprise twist, prospective Tory Leader, Ian Napton has admitted that the candidates are in the ‘making up any old sh*t’ phase of the campaign.

We’ve reached the stage where everyone has heard everything we have to say, so to keep the publicity band wagon rolling we have to make up evermore outrageous sh*t. We’ve always got to go one better than the last guy, that’s why we are now saying things like; I’ve taken blow, speed, cocaine, heroin, paracetamol and echinacea, one candidate even admitted drinking a G&T on the tube.

We’re making promises we know we’ve no chance of keeping, for example; renegotiating Brexit, changing the backstop, not paying the EU £39 Billion, doing better at negotiating Brexit the second time, saying up yours Delours, unifying the country, finding Dover, playing the long game, stopping Corbyn or Farage and being faithful.”

However, when it comes to ‘making sh*t up’, Boris Johnson is way ahead of the field. A recent attempt to hold him responsible for the ‘sh*t he made up’ failed after a judged ruled that ‘making sh*t up’ was all in a day’s work for Mr Johnson and that ‘it’s your own fault for believing him’.

As the other candidates try to think up new entries for the national, ‘Whose the Biggest Liar’ competition, it appears that the Tory Party have already presented the winner with his medal, step forward Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.

Meanwhile Brexit Continues.

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