Sat. May 21st, 2022

A number of rats aboard a sinking ship took the decision to flee the vessel last night, in order to save their skins from the shadowy depths of political obscurity.

The rats made the choice to escape from the ship, christened Drowning Street, after it ran into trouble consistently over a period of two and a half years. They accused the captain, one Davy Johnson, of failing miserably in all attempts to right the course.

We have stood loyally by Captain Johnson through thick and thin. Some of us have been resident on this craft – befouling the place – for many years. Even when he faced accusations of hogging all the cheese and pineapple cubes for himself, shagging in the stern, and pushing passengers he doesn’t like overboard, we remained supportive.

Rats, packing

So you can see that we have no moral scruples. But we cannot turn a blind eye as he steers our boat deliberately towards an iceberg, potentially sinking our careers as well as the fate of the entire crew and company. We have no option but to scurry away in the name of self-preservation.

The rats’ desertion was seen as a bad sign for Captain Johnson who has become increasingly isolated in the bridge, with open talk of mutiny now common on deck.

I’m terribly sorry to see these filthy backstabbing traitors, who I always hated, go. I never trusted a word they said whilst they were personally advising me every day for fifteen years.

Captain Johnson

“I will now demonstrate strong leadership by promoting other rodents to first mate and cabin boy, and by personally overseeing our descent to a watery grave. Bottoms up!”

Mayday! We’re all gonna die! Glug, glug, glug.

The British Public

By Dan Flanagan

One of the younger members of the troop, his sharp eye, cutting commentary and abundant talent has put the old chimps into a sulk.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!