Damning evidence of how low Boris Johnson will go to become the next Prime Minister came to light today when it was confirmed that all of his friends have each had an extra thousand ballot papers issued to them.

Reminiscent of Baldrick’s election to The Commons at the Dunny-On-The-Wold By-Election, when Blackadder voted for him 16,472 times to properly express his true level of support for his candidate, Boris was of the view that a few thousands of extra votes from his closest chums wouldn’t go amiss. Alas, his plan was foiled when his Old Etonian pal, Tristan Farquhar-Smith, spilled his Dom Perignon on his batch of ballot papers and asked for “a few thousand more.”

The world outside of The Conservative Party is at a loss as to understand why anyone would want the job at the current time. After all, no matter what the candidates promise in advance, the “winner” has to achieve what their predecessor could not – to find any kind of a majority for any flavour of Brexit in The Commons. It’s well established that no such majority exists, so no matter how much Boris waxes on about Spitfires, red telephone boxes, cricket, rugger and warm beer, he’s going to find out that those naughty MPs don’t necessarily agree. It could be the case, therefore, that no matter how much Boris wants to be the Prime Minister, no matter what he is willing to promise his chums if they vote for him, his tenure could be even shorter than Frank Lampard’s at Chelsea. 

Brexit continues, or it will do when Boris has been installed at number ten and 300 Conservative MPs are back from their month in The Dordogne.