Michael Gove, the Minister responsible for Brexit No Deal planning, has expressed surprise that the EU27 don’t feel they should give in to British demands and serve up a withdrawal agreement which entirely suits Britain without regard for anybody else.

“There might be 27 of them, but do they know who we are? Do they realise who they are dealing with here? We’re plucky Brits. We won the War, you know. We’ve got Boris in Downing Street now and fully 0.14% of the population voted to put him there.”

Boris’ “do or die leave on 31 October” approach may lead to a No Deal exit, but Britons have the comfort that Mr Gove is in charge of preparations (irony). “Mrs May’s withdrawal agreement is dead in the water. We won’t agree to the Backstop, so Brussels is going to have to do as we want if they want a deal with us,” Mr Gove continued.

An EU spokesman, Jean-Claude Napatone, told us, “We cannot understand why they think anything has changed. We don’t really wish to see them inflict No Deal on themselves, but if they insist, then let them go ahead. We know they will be in a mess, they know they will be in a mess, but they insist on dreaming about when they had an Empire and how great things are going to be again. And why must they call themselves “plucky,” by the way? Is everything a David and Goliath contest for them?

A spokesman for the prime minister insisted that as long as we maintain the plucky attitude which saw us through the Blitz and we sing songs about the Germans, everything will be all right. We survived rationing for years before, and we’ll survive it again. Meanwhile, anyone with their own garden is strongly recommended to grow fruit and vegetables.

Brexit continues.