Monkey Business

Minister furious after discovering schools spending money on pupils

As teachers and students alike enjoy their summer holidays, the Department of Education has announced a new scheme to help lay the foundations for the upcoming school year. Announcing the plans, Mr Duncan Dillon MP for Larnock Road, Kensington.

What we’re seeing far too much of in school’s these days is trying to complete tasks using resources. Going forward, with the budgets as they are, this just isn’t tenable. In today’s Britain schools can’t just expect to be carried along by so-called ‘backing’ from the taxpayers.”

“Our new scheme is going to rip up the rule-book. What we want to see is less more with more and more more with less” said Dillon, “For instance, a lot of schools still use pens when students are perfectly capable of yelling out the answers to the teachers. And another thing, chairs. Do they really need so many of them? Many children nowadays just aren’t used to standing. Standing up is a fact of life and the sooner children get used to this idea, the better. Standing up all-day breeds resilience, and will help them prepare for a job market in a post-Brexit economy.”

“Our final issue is teachers. I went into many classes and witnessed, with my own eyes, qualified personnel delivering well-structured, meaningful lessons. I turned to one of my colleagues and said ‘How much is that costing us? I bet its loads’. Luckily, we were able to burn that school down in the nick of time.”