Chopping FirewoodMonkey News

Satan orders in extra kindling in readiness for Boris’s arrival

Coal and log merchants are rubbing their hands in glee after the Devil announced extra deliveries of fuel so he can ensure the fires of Hell will be burning really brightly and hotly in time for the arrival of Boris Johnson.

Johnson is already known to want to be in charge immediately on his arrival in Hell and an epic argument over who rules for all of eternity is expected.

Meanwhile, a handcart has mysteriously appeared in Downing Street.

Never before has the Devil’s authority been challenged in Hell, so the imminent arrival of Johnson is expected to make for popular viewing.

Always keen to exploit the poor and vulnerable, Johnson is believed to have negotiated a pay-per-view deal with Rupert Murdoch over the rights to stage his battle with the Devil and subsequent coronation, with payment in any currency other than the British Pound, which collapsed further still after the Government announced that Parliament doesn’t matter anyway.

Opponents of a No Deal Brexit are predictably outraged by Johnson, but reluctantly admit the genius in his plan. “What did you do as a child if you wanted to do something and your parents said no? You stopped asking and just did it anyway.”

Brexit continues.