Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology after getting caught lying again.

Unfortunately, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a very naughty boy.

On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to The Queen/ my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.

I accept that once again, by getting caught, the standard of my behaviour has fallen below that expected of a public servant. I’ve displayed a staggering lack of honesty/integrity and/or responsibility.

In this case, (Select either option and delete elements as appropriate;)

my failure to/ declare who paid for my holiday in Mustique/ honestly advise The Queen/ declare income of over £52,000/write non- racist, non-sexist and non-homophobic comments

or to have knowingly misled everyone/had inappropriate relations with my (secretary/intern/any passing women)/dealt with oligarchs/Saudi Princes/Arms Dealers/Old Etonian Cronies and Dodgy businessmen was a severe lapse in judgement.

Insert qualifying statement here; I didn’t realise that lying to the Head of State was a bad thing. I mean I’ve lied to just about every other woman I’ve met. Dominic didn’t think it was a problem, either.

Insert attacking rebuttal here; I do believe that what I say to a woman in the privacy of our liaison has nothing to do with some jumped up little grammar school shit.

Of course you’re all going to forgive me, that’s what you do. Rich kids always get away with it. This is like when Nanny made me apologise to Giles Giles Jnr after I took his model Bugatti away from him. I didn’t mean it then and I don’t mean it now.

Look, I’m just the cheeky chap off the tele. I’m not like all those other politicians, I’m one of you, the common people. So let’s get this out of the way and get on with crowning me as the next Winston Churchill. That’s the ticket.