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‘Awf with his head’ cries The Queen

Boris Johnson has been denounced “a cad and a scoundrel” by senior members of the Royal Household after he was found to have told fibs to Her Majesty The Queen. Big ones, too, the rotter.

Not letting his advancing years stop him in his tracks, the Duke of Edinburgh, arms firmly behind his back, angrily told Chatty, “He’s a bounder, a boor, he’s a lousy stinker. He’ll receive an audience again only when he presents his resignation. The weasel. He’s a complete oaf, you know.”

Clearly unimpressed, the Duke is not alone in his assessment of the Prime Minister. “The man’s had an integrity bypass,” commoner Ian Napton told us. “He’s a cheat, a liar, and a terrible one at that. Nobody believed him when he kept on about his exciting domestic agenda. Let’s face it, no such thing could ever exist. It was always about Brexit.”

May was a hopeless PM,” Napton continued, his rant picking up pace, “but at least she never told porkies to Her Maj. Boris is a complete ****.”

Facing up to the fact that he’s been found out, Johnson is taking counsel from his closest allies. Lord Snooty of Somerset told us, “He’s unshaken, his spirit undiminished. He doesn’t give a damn. We went to Eton, the world is ours.”

Sources close to the Royal Family have implied that Her Majesty wants the Prime Minister executed. “Awf with his head,” seems to be the popular view at the Palace. “The Queen believes his scruffy hair would be ideal for an executioner to hold as the blade falls. We’ve had to explain that we haven’t done that sort of thing for a long time. She wasn’t amused.”

Brexit continues.