Fri. Oct 22nd, 2021
Trump in temper tantrum

By Our Showbiz Columnist, Mystic Meghan Markle

LONDON, ENGLAND – ITV’s flagship morning show, Good Morning Britain, has aired an entirely silent edition of its programme this morning (no pun intended) as a tribute to its erstwhile host Piers Morgan. The former editor of the Daily Mirror and ‘friend’ to the stars had bowed out in a blaze of glory/maelstrom of uproar (delete according to political stance), after his comments on Meghan Markle provoked fury on social media earlier this week.

A gentle breeze could be heard blowing through the studio as Morgan’s ex-colleagues sat, heads bowed, at their elongated desk. Reports of a bird chirruping – as if upon the dawning of a golden morn – and of waves gently lapping the shore, accompanied the beginning of the shining new era, as a sense of calm reigned over the once chaotic newsdesk.

“I really have nothing to say, I mean it, nothing. You all thought I was being spoken over by arch-misogynist Piers, as he spouted his views on political correctness or gender identity to an audience of millions. ‘Poor Susanna can’t get a word in edgeways,’ ran the tweets. But now you know the shocking truth – I have no opinions of my own.”

Susanna Reid, doing her best Jose Mourinho impression

Explained Morgan, speaking from his new office as head-anchor of Andrew Neil’s upcoming GB News channel, whilst simultaneously penning an expose on the cancellation of anti-woke voices for Rupert Murdoch’s News UK station,

“I’ve made my views on this perfectly clear. It is not healthy to be so self-absorbed, arrogant, and entirely fixated on one’s own image to the detriment of personal relationships. To air every thought in your head on national television for the world to hear – no matter how damaging and controversial those thoughts might be to your targets – is tawdry and, dare I say it, unbefitting of a public figure. So that’s why I wholeheartedly condemn Piers Morgan…”

Piers Morgan, Egocentric brown noser

Back at ITV Studios, “I’ve waited five years to say this,” concluded Reid confidently, before leaning forward on her desk and staring down the camera wordlessly. She occasionally raised an index finger as if in precursor to a statement, but then thought better of it and kept schtum.

“One day he was cock of the walk, the next a feather duster,” mused Morgan’s gran, reflectively. “No, wait – he’s still a cock.”

At press time, Good Morning Britain had been cancelled.

Who should replace Piers Morgan? 

Will it be…

Alan Sugar? Donald Trump? Meghan Markle? Jeremy Clarkson? Jeremy Paxman? Jeremy Corbyn? Nigel Farage? Laurence Fox? Mr Potato Head? H from Steps? Oprah Winfrey?

YOU decide! Just call 09363482901 and shout down the phone about woke-ism destroying our once great nation and your voice WILL be heard. 

identicon

By Dan Flanagan

One of the younger members of the troop, his sharp eye, cutting commentary and abundant talent has put the old chimps into a sulk.

2 thoughts on “ITV airs three hours of silence in memory of Piers Morgan”

Comments are closed.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!