A nuclear bomb has gone off in Edinburgh, and no one has noticed.
Reports came in from the massive explosion at one o’clock yesterday, but it was obscured by the castle’s unnecessarily loud gunshot signalling 1PM, and also by the fact that Edinburgh already looks like it’s been blown apart.
Councillor Mark McCann said about the nuclear blast, “I got a call to say an unstable nuclear device detonated just off of Princes Street but I just laughed and said, no – they’re just building a new shopping centre, it’s meant to look like the Somme.”
Edinburgh locals who survived the explosion didn’t realise either, mostly because they’re used to the city looking like the Gaza Strip or they were too busy with their faces in their phones or their Costa’s to notice the giant hole in the middle of Scotland’s capital.
“I investigated the site,” McCann continued after I cornered him in a darkened car park, “And I was shocked to discover it wasn’t a state just because the folks building the shopping centre are conducting it like it’s a Sunday afternoon foray in the Lego box, but a fully-fledged terrorist plot to make even more of a mess of this once-great city. Also, I have huge amounts of radiation poisoning.”
So far, no one has admitted to this heinous atrocity but as soon as we work out the company behind the shopping centre construction, we’ll let you know.