Fri. Oct 23rd, 2020
Apes Grooming

Pest control experts have been drafted into a Highgate primary school, following reports of a ‘virulent head lice infestation.’

Parents were forced to take these unusual measures after one couple ‘refused to massacre the innocent creatures’, who had ‘developed a proficient ecosystem’ on their daughter’s head.

Speaking angrily, mother Olivia Napton complained, ‘We are all fighting to survive in this cruel world. Who am I to cull a population of innocent creatures?’

Continuing her statement, Napton explained, ‘Branbantia Dragon-fire has been educated to respect all life forms and feels privileged to host a thriving community.’

Conversely, other parents have responded bitterly to Napton, since they are ‘spending disproportionate amounts of time and money’, eradicating lice from their own children, only for them to be ‘re-infected by the mini eco-warrior.’

An irate parent, who wished to remain anonymous, riposted ‘ Burning the clary-sage won’t cut it this time. If you won’t go to the chemists, we’ll have to take matters into our own hands.’

Undeterred, the Naptons have appealed to the R.S.P.C.A, who admitted that ‘this is certainly an unusual case but is unlikely to be a pioneering one.’


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By Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!