Following last week’s announcement that UK Prime Minister and extreme sports model Boris Johnson is being admitted to a top London-based clinic for liars, an inside source has leaked some of The Institute For Chronic Fibsters’ findings.
The shocking list reveals some of the many delusions that Mr Johnson is currently being treated for; including misleading the nation, thinking he’s Freddie Mercury and claiming that he never actually asks for that haircut.
Below is Mr Johnson’s statements and the Institute’s professional dialogue.
Lie 1: Brexit is a grand idea.
Notes from the Institute’s top-analysts of casual bulls**t, and the mess currently idling on the UK’s doorstep indicate that this lie is pretty self-explanatory.
Lie 4: Jennifer Arcuri is just a friend.
You buy your friends a pint, maybe two pints at a push. You don’t give them a hundred and twenty-six grand of public money.
Lie 12: I’m terribly embarrassed by that whole zip line business back in 2012.
No, you’re f*cking not. You loved it.
Lie 22: I’m definitely not a racist. Nope. Not a racist. No, sir. Some of my best friends are racists… but I’m not. Am I selling this to you?
Lie 28: I never falsified that quote in The Times. I just wrote what the guy said… in his mind. That’s not falsification.”
No, it’s telepathy. And it’s also bulls**t.
Lie 35: The Queen and I are on good terms.
She’s got four snipers disguised as paparazzi and a large man with an axe and weak morals hanging about your house. Don’t go near any tunnels.
Lie 40: I’m going to save the UK.
You can’t even save Thomas Cook, pal.
Lie 42: Not a single one of my friends are criminals. Especially not the ones in jail.
Mr Johnson also has dinner functions with the Hamburglar, Ernst Blofeld and Mr Blobby.
Lie 44: I have five children. Or is it six? Seven? Sh*t.
*At this point, the researcher turns off the tape and goes out for a cigarette and a long think about the future of this country*
Lie 51: Of course I don’t hate cyclists. How could I hate cyclists? Jeremy Corbyn’s a cyclist, isn’t he?
You don’t need to defend this one, Boris. Everyone hates cyclists. That and journalists working for The Sun.
Lie 55: Closing down Parliament wasn’t illegal.
Yeah, you’re on your own there.