In an act of political sophistication unrivalled since Machiavelli, the British Prime Minister had his fingers crossed when he posted his unsigned letter of application for an extension to Article 50.

“Well, it worked for my marriages, and pretty much every other solemn promise I ever made,” said Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, who was severely bullied for being the biggest wanker in the class – an achievement in its own right at Eton.

“Everyone knows that if you cross your fingers, refuse to sign or wet your pants while you are saying something it doesn’t count. Cummings told me and he’s class prefect, so he should know. He also whips me in the changing roooms with wet towels and makes me say ‘thank you, Lord Dominic.’”

President of the European Council Donald Tusk said: “I simply don’t believe these tossers. A no-deal Brexit is frankly too good for them. I even had to wear gloves when opening the envelope in case BoJo had smeared a bogey on the back,” he said.

“It was worse than that, actually. Ha ha, got you!” said Johnson.