Sat. Oct 24th, 2020
Jacob Rees-Mogg

In answer to the question: This Xmas, what do you get the man who has everything? The answer is, the county of Hampshire.

Lounge lizard reclines
Call me Jacob, the face of Pomposity

As his family sat around the dinner table, wondering what to get the Pater Familias for this Yuletide season, one of the younger members suggested giving him a county. 

Apparently the family got the idea after their friend Lizzie, gave her grandson Sussex as a wedding present.

Initially, the family were at a bit of a loss as to how one set about buying a county but they were straight on to Amazon and voila!

You want it? We got it!

Hampshire was perfect, because it was a civilised county in the South of England, with good rail links to the city centre and some nice berths for the Yachts. It was also near enough to Jacob’s Somerset constituency that he would not have to live there.

The family did consider buying a Northern County as they were much better value for money but, ultimately, they felt the atmosphere was a little too rough for Jacob’s refined sensibilities.

Scotland was an option until Optimus Prime pointed out that being a Conservative in Scotland was akin to having a death wish, Charles already owned Wales and they couldn’t buy the West Country as this was not meant to be a gag gift.

Jacob was said to be delighted as he can put a toll on the M3 and make another fortune.

Pro Brexit Traffic Jam
£5 a car, lovely jubbly!
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By Joe The Greek

Joe The Greek is a man of many words and considerable girth. Never shy when it comes to the bar and buffet table.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!