Prince Andrew’s personal protection squad has been withdrawn after terrorists claim he’s too toxic to bother with.

The Security Services provides personal protection when members of the Royal Household are considered ‘at risk’ from terrorist groups, or unstable members of the public. If an attack emanates from within the Royal Family they are, traditionally, left to their own devices. 

Following a statement from the Terrorists Union, that ‘any action against Prince Andrew would be so popular it would not be considered an ‘Act of Terrorism’’ the Government reviewed his status and downgraded him to Jimmy Saville.

One terrorist explained, “There are some famous people on whom an attack would be disastrous for any paramilitary movement, Piers Morgan, Michael Gove and Jeremy Clarkson are just three examples. If we attacked Prince Andrew it would set our reputation as deadly, evil terrorists back years.”

The Government explained that protecting Prince Andrew was not ‘in the public interest’ nor a prudent use of public monies. Consequently, his security staff will be redeployed to more useful duties, such as walking the Queen’s corgis, protecting Gary Lineker and strewing rose petals for Kate to walk on.  

Meanwhile, HRH Prince Philip was unavailable for comment, although he was seen heading for the Buckingham Palace Garage with a socket set in hand.