Monkey News

Government opens up HS3, a chuffing service from Caernarfon to Rhyl

Ivor The Engine is to come out of retirement, it has been announced, along with his driver, Jones The Steam.

Following the government’s announcement on HS2, Welsh MPs have vociferously complained that the proposed route, from London to the Midlands and onward to the North, excludes Wales altogether, so they’ve decided to be ahead of the game on HS3, which will run from Caernarfon to Rhyl.

HS3 – The Welsh Musket Train going flat out

“We want to know more about HS2, notably who came up with ‘GetHS2done’ as its project slogan,” one Welsh MP told us.

The government has insisted that Chris Grayling won’t be in charge of the project. “The French have had Le Train Grand Vitesse connecting Paris with the South for decades. The Japanese have the Shinkansen Bullet Train. We’ve had Beardie Branson, Southern Fail and the rest making people’s lives misery. It’s time the government took charge of this,” a spokesman for Dominic Cummings said.

Ivor is known to be in need of a comprehensive mechanical restoration before he can resume service, and staff at the nursing home where Jones is spending his twilight years are trying to explain to him that he will enjoy daily outings soon. “Sadly he’s quite deaf now, and his eyesight isn’t what it used to be. We expect it won’t be a problem with Ivor in charge,” one nurse told us.

Be as right as ninepence in no time!

Executives at Hornby, the model railway company, have agreed to delay the release of their HS2 toy so that it isn’t for sale to enthusiasts years before the real thing hits the tracks. 

Meanwhile, the government continues.

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