Following Boris Johnson’s announcement that oldthink words would now be banned, shares in correction fluid giant, Tittex, have gone through the roof.

Words that are now DoubleVerboten include; Brexit, Implementation Period, Ireland, No Deal, Partnership, No Irish Border, Money for the NHS, selling the NHS to the Americans, Nissan, spending promises, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Ireland again. Any references to these terms must now be ‘rectified’.

Following Johnson’s election as PM, City Whizzkids had been tracking a slow and steady increase in Tittex sales. As was expected, his careless attitude to the truth, facts and promises led to increased use of the Tittex bottle. However, it’s the latest announcement about banned words that sent the market into a buying frenzy.

City traders realised the word ban would lead to a rise in supply-side demand, a correction fluid shortage and the value of Tittex shares increasing sharply. Heavy trading has seen the price rise by up to 1p a share, causing many Merchant Bankers to rub their hands in anticipation of ‘a nice little earner’ and a second holiday home in the West Country.

“I can only see this share going up and up for the next five years, it would only change if they started writing everything in pencil but then we’d just switch our money over to rubbers.” Said Giles Napton.

Any suggestion that City friends of The Right Honourable Boris Johnson had benefited from a tip-off about the word ban is, at this stage, nothing more than a scurrilous rumour.