The Government’s daily Corona Virus update has asked people to be particularly vigilant in ensuring that teenage boys are not left isolated.

As more and more families use home confinement, the plight of teenage boys is of concern.

Scientists believe that a teenage boy, left unattended, will masturbate more frequently and copiously than a Bonobo Monkey on Crack. As a result, Doctors fear that with the increased confinement, the NHS could face an epidemic of emaciated and dehydrated teenagers. In this situation, the presence of uniformed nurses would not be considered helpful.  

This additional demand on resources, with tissue paper already in perilously short supply, would leave the NHS unable to cope.

Accordingly, experts are asking people to restrict the amount of toilet roll they hold in stock, to not leave creams and lubricants in the bathroom, and to not leave the boys unattended.

Warning signs that ‘activity’ may be about to occur include, sudden shutting off the computer,  loud music in the upstairs bathroom, or a visit from mum’s best friend.

It is normal for teenage boys to explore their sexuality, and some ‘activity’ is to be considered normal. Monitoring of the frequency of said ‘activity’ can be done through regular checks on the state of his socks.

Where possible, families should consider banning suggestive TV programmes, for example, Love Island, Naked Attraction and Loose Women. This type of television may over-stimulate an isolated and confused teenager, putting their health at risk. And, under no circumstances should you leave him alone with the family pet, a seedless watermelon or a jar of chopped liver.