Tue. Jan 25th, 2022
Seagull eating chips

The Government “Drone On!” initiative, using drones to disperse gatherings is being enhanced with a new crowd control technology called e-gull.

The new and much larger E-gull drones can stay aloft for hours. They will patrol the skies over demonstrations, illegal raves and public houses, keeping watch for Social Distancing transgressions.

E-gulls will initially circle above gatherings, shouting warnings at the perpetrators to disperse. If this isn’t successful, they will make a series of low swoops whilst squawking loudly. The final deterrent is to drop fluorescent pellets of soft foul-smelling sticky goo on the transgressors before stealing their chips.

The bloody stuff is rank. It smells like putrefying mackerel and it takes days to wash off. That’ll make the buggers wear masks and Socially Distance.

Government Shill

Ongoing testing was generally successful, but with some minor teething problems: An ‘armed’ E-gull patrolling near the Tower of London was mobbed by the ravens and crashed into a burger stall, causing quite a stink.

“We’d only just opened and now we can’t get the customers to come near us. They won’t buy the burgers even if we offer free nose-plugs. Still, by now I suppose we should be used to getting shat on by the government.” – Disappointed (and slightly whiffy) stall owner.


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!