Catastrophic scenes at cattery as police maim bungling burglar in botched burglary.
Cat burglar bungles burglary at cattery when cats strike back
The Met reclaims streets from Clapham Common protestors
The Met reclaims the streets from women standing quietly, holding candles and remembering the life of a woman, brutally murdered by a man.
e-gull drones to disperse illegal crowds, raves and demo’s
E-Gulls can stay up for hours, monitoring events before squawking, pooping and flying down to nick your chips
Drones to deliver e-bollockings to groups of 6 or more
Howler drones will identify groups of more than 6, then they will deliver an e-bollocking until they’ve gone
Met Police to teach cops not to get caught being racist
He was wearing a loud shirt, after dark, in a built up area. The bastard.
Police to enforce social distancing by using a British Yardstick
The French will make The British Yardstick by cutting the handles off OAP’s walking sticks. Under EU rules, the stick will be in meters.
The Police launch hunt for 20,000 missing Bobbies
“You’d think 20,000 men in pointy hats would be easy to find, but no, not a sign of them” says Chief Constable
Line of Duty returns for 6th series with even more acronyms
Line of Duty returns for a 6th series, chock full of pointless acronyms. The breakthrough came when the writer discovered Boggle. Fans are ROFLMAO
Ministry Of Defence lock up lazy Scottish Tourist
The Ministry of Defence has locked up a tired Scottish Tourist after he had a ‘bit of a sit down’ on their steps. He’s now rotting in a Vietnamese Hell Hole
The Incredible Hulk loses his testicles on a visit to Luxembourg
Meanwhile, somewhere in Luxembourg The Incredible Hulk has lost his balls. The giant orbs have suddenly disappeared, no longer swinging in their sacks.
Police Service to provide more officers for criminals to attack
Government reverse police cuts to spread out the number of attack each officer faces. Plan is to cut the number to 3 or 4 attacks per copper
All Social Media posts will have to be ‘Police Approved’
All Social Media posts will have to be ‘Police Approved’ in case they cause offence
The Chatty Chimp 