Catastrophic scenes at cattery as police maim bungling burglar in botched burglary.
The Met reclaims the streets from women standing quietly, holding candles and remembering the life of a woman, brutally murdered by a man.
E-Gulls can stay up for hours, monitoring events before squawking, pooping and flying down to nick your chips
Howler drones will identify groups of more than 6, then they will deliver an e-bollocking until they’ve gone
He was wearing a loud shirt, after dark, in a built up area. The bastard.
The French will make The British Yardstick by cutting the handles off OAP’s walking sticks. Under EU rules, the stick will be in meters.
“You’d think 20,000 men in pointy hats would be easy to find, but no, not a sign of them” says Chief Constable
Line of Duty returns for a 6th series, chock full of pointless acronyms. The breakthrough came when the writer discovered Boggle. Fans are ROFLMAO
The Ministry of Defence has locked up a tired Scottish Tourist after he had a ‘bit of a sit down’ on their steps. He’s now rotting in a Vietnamese Hell Hole
Meanwhile, somewhere in Luxembourg The Incredible Hulk has lost his balls. The giant orbs have suddenly disappeared, no longer swinging in their sacks.
Government reverse police cuts to spread out the number of attack each officer faces. Plan is to cut the number to 3 or 4 attacks per copper
All Social Media posts will have to be ‘Police Approved’ in case they cause offence