Tue. Jan 25th, 2022
Rupert Bear caught in the woods

It seems that barely a day goes by without yet another ursine upset making the Headlines. This time the culprit is Rupert.

Rupert Bear has been charged with indecent exposure after being caught shitting in the woods. Ms Tina Turner was out exercising her poodle in Nutwood, when the incident occurred.

I was walking, Priti, my Rottweiller, in the woods, when suddenly I was confronted with a bare… umm, well, bear really.

Ms Turner, distraught thundererdomer

Rupert Bear was not available for comment, but issued a statement through his lawyer.

Mr Bear is distraught about upsetting Ms. Turner, but wishes to point out that it is established practice for bears to ‘unload their timber’ in the woods. It is, after all, probably the best-known fact after the religious denomination of the pope.

Barry Ister, QC and Taxi Driver

Rupert Bear is expected to contest the charges in court, as he has clearly displayed a notice on the door of his cottage stating that he is a “Freebear on the Land” and claims that this “confers upon him the inalienable right to defecate on the common grounds of the Kingdom of England”.

Legal experts say that Rupert’s constitutional challenge is about as likely to succeed as finding a unicorn frolicking in sunlit uplands.


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!