Sat. May 21st, 2022
Football scrum

THE SOMME, FRANCE – An incensed coronavirus last night withdrew from its commitment to a footballing truce on Christmas Day after the government announced the Pfizer vaccine would begin distribution on Tuesday.

I am incandescent with rage, or possibly a fever. I’d already erected the goalposts, painted the lines, and was partway through slicing oranges, when what should I hear? That before Santa even arrives, immunisation will kick-off. If this is the government pausing hostilities, then I’d like to see all-out war.

Corona Virus. just doing its thing

Originally, Number 10 had negotiated a ceasefire with the pandemic for an afternoon’s kickabout between man and disease. Were 68 million Brits to take on one respiratory infection, the nation would breathe easier, whilst Covid-19 could flaunt its prowess in the air. These plans, though, have been upended.

I feel betrayed, I would smell a rat, if I hadn’t lost that particular sense. Typical of this government – U-turn after U-turn. If they so readily stab a household name like me in the back, is anyone safe?

A persistent cough

Sporting administrators also bemoaned the decision. “The Tories’ reluctance to safeguard live sport is shameful,” said outgoing FA chair Greg Clarke. “Soon all footballers will be job-hunting: Irishmen returning to the potato fields, Asians to our IT department and as for Afro-Caribbeans–” Clarke was here caught in a large net before he could further besmirch the game’s previously spotless reputation.

“I’m out for revenge,” fumed the novel coronavirus.

They think it’s all over by Christmas – it isn’t now!

Corona, the last laugh

From our Chief Football Writer, Wilfred Michael Owen


By Dan Flanagan

One of the younger members of the troop, his sharp eye, cutting commentary and abundant talent has put the old chimps into a sulk.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!