Sun. Jul 25th, 2021
Football scrum

THE SOMME, FRANCE – An incensed coronavirus last night withdrew from its commitment to a footballing truce on Christmas Day after the government announced the Pfizer vaccine would begin distribution on Tuesday.

I am incandescent with rage, or possibly a fever. I’d already erected the goalposts, painted the lines, and was partway through slicing oranges, when what should I hear? That before Santa even arrives, immunisation will kick-off. If this is the government pausing hostilities, then I’d like to see all-out war.

Corona Virus. just doing its thing

Originally, Number 10 had negotiated a ceasefire with the pandemic for an afternoon’s kickabout between man and disease. Were 68 million Brits to take on one respiratory infection, the nation would breathe easier, whilst Covid-19 could flaunt its prowess in the air. These plans, though, have been upended.

I feel betrayed, I would smell a rat, if I hadn’t lost that particular sense. Typical of this government – U-turn after U-turn. If they so readily stab a household name like me in the back, is anyone safe?

A persistent cough

Sporting administrators also bemoaned the decision. “The Tories’ reluctance to safeguard live sport is shameful,” said outgoing FA chair Greg Clarke. “Soon all footballers will be job-hunting: Irishmen returning to the potato fields, Asians to our IT department and as for Afro-Caribbeans–” Clarke was here caught in a large net before he could further besmirch the game’s previously spotless reputation.

“I’m out for revenge,” fumed the novel coronavirus.

They think it’s all over by Christmas – it isn’t now!

Corona, the last laugh

From our Chief Football Writer, Wilfred Michael Owen


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By Dan Flanagan

One of the younger members of the troop, his sharp eye, cutting commentary and abundant talent has put the old chimps into a sulk.

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!