Newly instated landlady Dame Barbara Windsor laid down the law at the Pearly Gates pub in the Lord’s Heaven last night, demonstrating that she will be no pushover as she chucked out the Son of God and Saviour of All Humanity, risking the wrath of his Almighty Father. 

The traditional inn is situated atop the stairway to heaven, allowing fresh arrivals to wet their whistle before embarking on the awfully big adventure that awaits them. Patrons were left in no doubt that the new proprietor meant business when she grabbed a clearly inebriated Jesus Christ by the halo and hauled him onto the fluffy clouds outside the drinking establishment with a familiar cry of “GET OUT MY PUB!”

His ID said he was 2020 years old, but he don’t look a day over 31. He had his birthplace recorded as Palestine but what with his blonde hair and blue eyes he looked more like a Scandinavian to me. My hackles were first raised when he babbled some gibberish about how he and his father are spiritually the same person, but when he started approaching my customers to ask whether they were virgins or not, I had to put my foot down. 

Babs, Heavenly Landlord

Dame Barbara took over the lease at The Pearly Gates, this week from St Peter, who was the scotch-on-the-rock on which the public house was built. The foremost apostle was more than willing to transfer the keys in order to focus on his newfound responsibility of symptom-checking all potential new angels.

Said Babs, “Albert Square had nothing on this unseemly rabble of crusaders and priests.”