Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, I regret that it is necessary for me to publicly apologise for my behaviour. 

It is with great sadness that I have to report that once again, someone has discovered that I’ve been a naughty boy.

On this occasion I would like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends husbands/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.

I accept that once again, by getting caught, the standard of my behaviour has fallen below that expected of a public servant. I have failed to conduct myself with the honesty, integrity and personal decorum the nation has the right to expect of a Government minister.

In this case, my failure to declare income of over £52,000/ corporate hospitality/ free holidays/ relationship with my (secretary/intern/any passing women)/dealings with oligarch/Saudi Prince/Arms Dealers/Old Etonian Crony/Dodgy businessman was a severe lapse in judgement.

Insert qualifying statement here; When one is discovered being a randy rooster, a pork swordsman, and general all-round superstud, one has to accept that one is irresistible to the ladies. It was in this regard that I betrayed my long-suffering wife and embarked on a sordid affair with a married woman.

Insert attacking rebuttal here; Whilst I am forced into a public apology, I so did her. Now you won’t think of me as ‘totally fucking hopeless’.

Of course, you are all going to forgive me, that is what you do. Us rich kids always get away with it. This is like when Nanny made apologise to Giles Giles Jnr after I took his model Bugatti away from him at his birthday party. I didn’t mean it then and I don’t mean it now.

Look, I’m not like all those other politicians, I’m one of you, the common people. So let’s get this out of the way and get on with getting me into Number 10. That’s the ticket.