Chatty Chimp News

Rumours of The Chatty Chimp’s demise were a little previous

Chatty is back baby.

Beware, this is a rant. The Chatty Chimp is annoyed. This article explains why, we are coming back. Spoiler alert, it contains a lot of swearing. So, if you’d rather just go back to reading our stories, I’d jog on about now. If you want to find out why we are coming out of retirement, read on.

We recently published a ‘Goodbye’ article explaining why Chatty was shutting up shop. At the time, all those reasons were valid, and we were happy to slip quietly away. Then something changed. As if to show life’s circularity, it involved football.


As you may recall, having a Brexit vote while Euro 2016 was on wasn’t Cameron’s best idea. But then again, this was a man who wondered what it would be like to fuck a pig. Genius. Now, it was time for the Euro’s 2021. Held across the continent, it was a very successful championship. There were some good games, some bad games, bits of controversy and in the end, the right team won. So, all good so far…

But then the fuck nuggets had to go and ruin it. The plastic patriots, the fuckwits and retards showed themselves and the country up.

Equating patriotism to supporting a football team is the biggest piece of mindless bollocks since Pliny suggested that rubbing your bonce with fox testicles was an excellent cure for a headache.

Patriotism and the rise of The Plastic Patriot

Patriotism isn’t about getting pissed, singing a song you only know one verse of, punching and kicking opposing fans because they’re not English or vandalising your neighbourhood. This isn’t grown-up behaviour, this is what toddlers do in supermarkets because they can’t have a sweetie. This isn’t what adults do, this isn’t what reasonable people do, this isn’t what patriots do, this is what cunts do. There are plenty of things to get that upset about, losing a football match isn’t one of them.

Then comes the truly ugly stuff. The vile, racist abuse that’s aimed at men who were proud to be playing for their country makes me embarrassed to be British/English. While it is unlikely that some illiterate, shaven-headed troll is going to say anything that will cause those players more pain than missing those penalties, these things should never have been said in the first place.

On top of this, there was physical and verbal abuse towards German, Danish and Italian fans. This was shameful. This isn’t patriotism, it’s bullying.

The Daddy

But this is not the first time it’s happened.This is dismissed as the action of a few thousand mindless thugs, that it is not the ‘real’ Britain/England. But, I’d say that this is the real Britain.

It happens again and again and again, with the same sorry excuses being trotted out. This plastic patriot identity position starts at the top, and it permeates through our society. By using a process of ‘othering’ it places the blame for our own sorry fucked up lives on ‘them’. This Government are masters at it. Well, it’s bollocks. It is smoke and mirrors, and they use it to distract us.

The Government and the Blonde Balloon

One minute the Government claim knee taking is gesture politics, and that there is no racism in Britain, and then, before you know it, Boris is condemning the racists by saying “they should be ashamed of themselves”. That’s it.

Yes, you blonde balloon, they should be ashamed of themselves. And you should be ashamed of yourself because that is a wholly inadequate response.

We thought long and hard about what to do. Should we shut and get on with our lives? Or should we oppose racism and stand up and shout about it? Shall we add Chatty’s voice to those who oppose racism and discrimination? If we want a better Britain, surely, we can’t stay quiet?

We are not vain enough to think that this little satirical newspaper has enough power and influence to change anything. But neither should we remain silent, we should add our voice to the anti-racist clamour, we should say this behaviour is unacceptable, we should tell racists to fuck off, and when they have fucked off, to keep on fucking off.

Racism, Chatty and Barry Fuckwit

One last point about the stupidity of racism.

“I’m proud to be English”

Barry Fuckwit

Congratulations, Mr Fuckwit, you must share your secret. Please, tell us how you did it? As a little sperm, did you swim up the skirt of the Queen and wriggle your way into an egg in order to produce the evolutionary masterpiece that is you? No, I didn’t think so. I’m afraid the reality is very different, one night your Daddy stopped wanking into his sock long enough to give your mum the best 30 seconds of her life, and somehow they created you!

You can’t be proud of something you didn’t do, so take your Daily Mail, and fuck off back to Wetherspoons, because you don’t speak for me.

If you want to be a patriot, fight to make this country better for everyone. Stand up and be counted, realise that everyone matters. Don’t be scared of others because they’re different, stop being frightened that looking after the rights of others takes something away from you, it doesn’t. Stop being a child, grow up and put your plastic patriotism away.

BTW, being called woke isn’t the insult you think it is. All it means is that someone is trying to live their life by not being a racist, sexist, homophobic little shit. Bear that in mind.

Chatty the Woke

And we are back in the room

So, with that we are back. If you have a satirical story why not send it to; We’d love to hear from you.

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