GranMonkey News

Queen’s funeral plans released, British tat makers say “Kerching, Ma’am”

Plans for what will happen immediately after the death of Her Majesty the Queen have been leaked from Whitehall. It’s unclear which Minister was responsible and whether sensitive documents were left at a bus stop or on a train.

Codenamed “Operation London Bridge,” all arms of the State will swing into urgent action, lowering flags, interrupting television and radio broadcasts and sending thoughts and prayers to the nation.

Buckingham Palace is fuming at the leak, saying absolutely nothing in response. All Palace official resources are still indefinitely committed to containing the Prince Andrew story.

The Metropolitan Police has expressed concern that maintaining control of London’s streets could prove difficult as millions of people flock into London to celebrate Britain moving one small step closer to becoming a Republic.

London Bridge has been planned out in meticulous detail. What happens then will be critical in maintaining good order. Coaches will be on standby to bring the people who’d rather stand freezing cold outside Sandringham Church on Christmas morning, instead of eating mince pies at home with their families, to London to file past the coffin, and children from all of London’s primary schools will be ushered out on to pavements with small Union Jack flags to wave.

Tearful women will be interviewed by Good Morning Britain outside Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle and opportunistic hawkers will sell tea towels with Her Majesty’s dates of birth and death at prices not seen for even the rarest of Diana memorabilia. Asda and Iceland will be selling official funeral watching snacks from forty-eight hours before the event, with television adverts featuring Kerry Katona and Gemma Collins to promote them.

Celebrations will not be confined to London and Windsor, though. King Charles III and Queen Camilla will be throwing their “Finally!” party in Gloucestershire, before embarking on a celebratory tour of Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales. 

The funeral itself is expected to take place ten days after death. This is to give adequate time for sycophants to stop talking and for all Americans who wish to “be there” to book flights.

Meanwhile, The Monarchy will continue and people, including several Subjects, will continue to live and starve on the streets of Britain, foodbanks will be stretched to breaking point and millions of people will continue to wait for urgent treatment on the NHS.

Gawd bless ‘er.

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