Monkey News

Charitable Chatty raises funds to buy Boris a lifetime supply of condoms

The Chatty Chimp is raising money to buy Boris Johnson a lifetime supply of condoms.

How long will we allow the children to live under the burden of having to admit that Boris Johnson is their father? Every year, more and more children face this endless misery. It’s time we took a stand and did something about it.

As we know, Boris is suffering financially. Having to get by on £167,000 parliamentary salary plus expenses, his £220,000 Daily Telegraph salary, and the generous donations of his close personal friends, times are tough for our beloved leader.

Our Aim

So, we want to raise enough money to ensure that whenever and wherever he is, there will always be condoms on hand.

Given his prodigious appetite for tupping, we need your help. By sending every spare penny you have, you can help stop this one-man breeding machine.  

Never again will his unfortunate partner panic at the thought of launching a baby Boris to an unsuspecting world. Your donation will reassure her that once the fetid, sweaty lump has given her the best two minutes of her life, the ordeal will be over.   

“If it wasn’t for large sums of cash, prestige and never having to work again, I’d never have gone through with it”

Unnamed female

The difference your money makes!

No more, will children have to hide away as the teacher reads out the name, Johnson, at registration. No longer will they suffer the pitying glances of condescending adults. You can stop these children from enduring scorn, derision and disdain at the hands of their peers. They will not be a laughing stock anymore.

Any money left over will fund new identities for the roving hordes of Johnsonites currently populating our public schools. Your pennies make a difference. This money will let them change their names, buy hair-dye and teach them to speak properly. They will have a chance at a new life, one where nobody knows who they are and where they can be normal members of society.

“I wish someone had done it for me”

Stanley, Pater Familiass

Thank you for supporting Chatty in his charitable cause.

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