Monkey Life

Boris Johnson to lose passport after admitting cocaine use

Senior government ministers will lose their passports following admissions of cocaine use.

In this week’s shoot yourself in the foot announcement, Boris Johnson is proposing a series of measures designed to inflict lifestyle punishments for lifestyle crimes. With this in mind, penalties for Class A Drug use will include losing your passport, driving licence and the use of football banning orders.

The Ministers affected include Boris, Michael Gove, Dominic Raab but not Priti Patel, who prefers to spend her leisure time biting the heads off small chickens.

The Civil Servant responsible for the idea, said;

This is a brilliant initiative. If we take Boris’s passport away, it can only be good for the country. It will stop him from embarrassing the nation on the world stage and save the Foreign Office a fortune in clean up fees. We’ve also received several thank you cards from wealthy Tory donors, who were finding his holiday plans a tad expensive.

Sir Humphrey-Humphrey, KCBG, ITV, GCHQ,SMUG

One anonymous source was eager to point out that this announcement was in no way meant to distract attention away from a report that claims the House of Commons has more drugs than Boots.

A Government press release explains that these measures will tackle middle-class crime. Such crime is seen as less serious than lower-class criminality, which, of course, demands jail time. As one Tory grandee puts it.

Look, we just don’t care. This is going to get good headlines in the Daily Mail, and it won’t affect us, we are upper class. Toot-Toot!

Lord Eton Harrow, Knight For Hire

As they digested the news that convicted cocaine users will be banned from Premier League matches, Spurs fans were stocking up on supplies.

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