POMPEY’S SENATE, ANCIENT ROME – A group of disgruntled senators today started formal proceedings for stabbing Julius Caesar in the back 23 times.
“We believe we have enough knives, and it’s time to start sending them in to Caesar’s spine,”Brutus, Ringleader
The statesmen decided to instigate the shadowy plot to murder their megalomaniacal leader after weeks of interminable briefing to the press. They accused the populist autocrat of undermining democracy and killing off civil political debate, as they took it in turns to knife him up to the hilt.
With his constant lies and disregard for the suffering of the people, Caesar has turned our once proud nation into little more than a tinpot dictatorship. Now is the time for us to act, before the whole Republic is tarnished by one man’s greed and lust for power at any cost.Sixty Roman Dignitaries
“Once we true Romans cross the threshold of 54 daggers, a vote of no confidence in Caesar is initiated,” explained Grahamus Bradyan, Chair of the 22BC Committee. “If he fails to survive the bloodbath, we will elect a new tyrant with no designs on becoming both God and King.”
Reports suggest Caesar had been warned to ‘beware the Inquiries of March’ by the prophet Sue Grayandra, but laughed off the premonition as Project Fear. “Et tu, Suetus?” he remarked derisively as he fatefully entered the Senate.
Does he understand the rules about no Roman leader declaring themselves king, or does he think they don’t apply to him?Theresa Mavian, Backstabber Supreme
I must tell you, Julius, that you no longer have my confidence, for God’s sake man, go!Andrew Mitchelligula, Apprentice Rib Pricker
You got me here under false pretences, I believed implicitly that this was a work event.Caesar, Choking on his own blood
From our Ancient History Correspondent, Ruby Conn