Sat. May 21st, 2022
Jacob Rees-Mogg

The Minister for Brexit Opportunities, Jacob Rees-Mogg, was on corking form when facing the press in his first major interview since being appointed to his current post.

Removing his top hat for the cameras, Rees-Mogg informed hacks that Brexit is providing opportunities which even the most optimistic of Leavers might not have foreseen.

Shorting the Pound has been marvellous since the EU Referendum. A tremendous Brexit opportunity. Do you know there was $1.48 to the Pound the day before the Referendum? Well, we’ve crushed our currency and now there is only $1.27 to the Pound, all thanks to Brexit. The entrepreneurially-minded Brit would have made good money on that one. And who’s to say we won’t see parity between the two  currencies in the months and years to come? My friend, Crispin, tells me he’s done awfully well.

Rees-Hogg, Professional money grabber

Quizzed about Brexit opportunities for those without the knowledge and wherewithal to tackle currency trading, Rees-Mogg insisted there were still plenty of opportunities to thrive.

Think of the purveyor of sandwiches, other snacks and drinks. He or she has a tremendous opportunity to cater to the needs of lorry drivers unexpectedly spending time in Kent. We can’t let those poor drivers starve, can we? Feeding the drivers, another Brexit opportunity.

Rees-Mogg, Man of the People, just not you.

Harvesting fruit and veg, working in our High Street coffee shops. All vacancies created because of Brexit. One of my heroes, Norman Tebbit, would have urged people to get on their bikes to go to a job of work. Now we have endless vacancies and opportunities for them to go to. All we need is an army of candidates willing to work for, how much is it, ten pounds per hour? Marvellous, and all thanks to Brexit.

Rees-Mogg, don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him (Ed)

Even the Civil Service will grow. We’ll need thousands more public servants to process the inevitable deluge of Universal Credit claims. Opportunities for everyone. All thanks to Brexit.

Rees-Mogg, Christian (Now you’ve gone to far. Ed)

Questioned whether “Thanks To Brexit” could be the next three word slogan appearing on the front of a lectern soon, Rees-Mogg replied, “Oh. I seem to have missed that opportunity.”

Meanwhile, your government continues.

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By Colin

Colin is one of our more experienced writers, he is very fond of a cup of tea, a bourbon biscuit and a bit of a nap in the middle of the afternoon. Been noted to express disapproval with a hrrump!

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