Jacob Rees-MoggBrexit

Brexit Opportunities Minister makes the most of his opportunity to sell the Pound

The Minister for Brexit Opportunities, Jacob Rees-Mogg, was on corking form when facing the press in his first major interview since being appointed to his current post.

Removing his top hat for the cameras, Rees-Mogg informed hacks that Brexit provides opportunities that even the most optimistic Leavers might not have foreseen.

“Shorting the Pound has been marvellous since the EU Referendum. A tremendous Brexit opportunity. Do you know there was $1.48 to the Pound the day before the Referendum? Now that we’ve crushed our currency, there is only $1.27 to the Pound, all thanks to Brexit. The entrepreneurially-minded Brit would have made good money on that one. And who’s to say we won’t see parity between the two currencies in the months and years to come? My friend, Crispin, tells me he’s doing awfully well.

Rees-Hogg, Professional money grabber

Rees-Mogg insisted there were plenty of opportunities to thrive when quizzed about Brexit opportunities for those without the knowledge and wherewithal to tackle currency trading.

“Think of the purveyor of sandwiches, other snacks and drinks. They have a tremendous opportunity to cater to the needs of lorry drivers who are unexpectedly spending time in Kent. We can’t let those poor drivers starve, can we? So feeding the drivers presents yet another Brexit opportunity.”

Rees-Mogg, Man of the People, just not you.

Harvesting fruit and veg, working in our High Street coffee shops, cleaning toilets; these are all vacancies created by Brexit. One of my heroes, Norman Tebbit, urged people to get on their bikes and get a job. Now we have infinite vacancies and opportunities to take up soul-destroying work in essential businesses. All we need is an army of slaves, sorry, I mean candidates who are willing to work for, how much is it, ten pounds per hour? Marvellous, and all thanks to Brexit.

Rees-Mogg, don’t blame me; I didn’t vote for him (Ed)

Even the Civil Service will grow. We’ll need thousands more public servants to process the inevitable deluge of Universal Credit claims. Opportunities for everyone. All thanks to Brexit.

Rees-Mogg, Christian (Now you’ve gone too far. Ed)

Questioned whether “Thanks To Brexit” could be the next three word slogan appearing on the front of a lectern, Rees-Mogg replied, “Oh. I seem to have missed that opportunity.”

Meanwhile, your government continues.