Scientists and greybeards claim that the latest images of the universe show no evidence of Brexit Benefits.
We searched high and low, but I’m buggered if we could find anything!
Arnold Greybeard, Egghead
Developed at great expense by Doncaster University Space Centre, the aim of the telescope is to locate the rarest and most distant objects in the observable universe. It can focus its massive lens on a grain of sand orbiting a star 4.6 billion light-years away, but it is still unable to see any Brexit Benefits.
The result is puzzling. Mathematics proves that in an almost infinite universe, there should be a theoretical chance that such benefits exist, but it appears not. Our telescope managed to pick up a sighting of Priti Patel’s compassion; it is hiding on the surface of a barren rock some 4.4 billion light-years away.
Albert Beerstein, Particular Physicist
Researchers say they will keep on looking; after all, the universe is a bit big.
Even if they fail to locate the missing Brexit Benefits, the scientists are hopeful of making other earth-shattering discoveries.
Using mathematical modeling, we believe that we can locate the first penny Jacob Rees-Mogg ever earned and, hopefully, signs of Boris Johnson’s integrity.
Professor Bryan Cocks, Rock God
Not everyone is happy about the mission. The Daily Mail condemns the James Webb Telescopes objectives as “a colossal waste of money and time.”
We all know the Brexit Benefits exist because we live in England. Rather than being too small to see, they are too big to see. It is all down to Gemini rising as Taurus crosses the 11th house on a Friday. It’s science!
Dierdre O Donnell, Professor of Astrology at Butlins
On hearing this, several remainers underwent emergency hospital treatment following an outbreak of uncontrollable laughter.
Meanwhile, your government continues.