Following the scrapping of imaginary laws which never existed, Sunak aims to boost his popularity by filling his Cabinet with imaginary friends. In a surprise reshuffle, his first appointment is Harvey the Rabbit as the Minister of Nice. “This will show the people that we are a kind, friendly, lovely government and that you are all mean and nasty for hating us!” said Gillian Keegan.

In a remarkably candid interview, Rishi cried, “Oh my God, what have I done?” before adding, “It seemed like such a good idea at four o’clock in the morning! This little voice started whispering, ‘Let’s pretend to scrap a load of things no one wants so people will love me. But all I got was ridicule. My SPAD said my only option was to double down and build an imaginary cabinet. What’s to lose? It can’t be worse than the one I have. Have you seen Jenrick being interviewed? He could be outwitted by Benny from Crossroads. Now, there’s a thought: he could be my Education Minister.”

Other cabinet changes include the replacement of the universally loathed Suella Braverman with the kinder and more socially inclusive Pennywise the Clown. The Daily Mail welcomed the appointment, offering readers the chance to ‘give every immigrant child a balloon.’

To deal with the environmental damage caused by the criminally negligent water companies, Rishi is bringing in the noted environmentalist duo of Shrek and his Donkey. “He should feel right at home in this cesspit.” Said Mr Sunak. Although commentators quickly noted that there were more than enough donkeys in the Cabinet.

Stig of the Dump has been made Junior Minster for Bins.

The Tooth Fairy takes over at the Department of Health, and the Ministry of Defence goes to St George, who immediately announced plans to invade Wales. It’s a dragon thing.  

King Midas brings his experience to the Ministry of Wealth. “I worked with this guy at Goldman Sachs; talk about a money machine! Everything he touched turned to gold!” said Richie.

Justifying his changes, the Prime Minster has rebranded his Cabinet of Curiosities, the Dream Team. Their mission, should they choose to accept it, is to make Britain a safer, better and more prosperous place for the very, very rich to live in by ensuring that the PM gets re-elected.

One senior insider claimed that if this doesn’t work, the only other option would be bringing Boris back, and no one wants that.

Meanwhile, Keir Stamer was unavailable for comment, which was hardly a surprise.

Image by Gratisography