In a surprise move, God has upped sticks and moved from Jerusalem to Lubbock, Texas.

Amazingly, Chatty got a personal interview with the Metatron. He began by asking, what brought about such a big change?  

“I’ve been hanging around the Middle East for the last couple of thousand years, and I’ve had enough of it. I want to go somewhere I’ll be appreciated. This lot are done with the whole God thing.” Explained the Big G.

“Back when I was starting the family business, I worked with a few goat herders in a hostile, infertile landscape and through a process of torture, eternal damnation and strategic genocide, I built quite a following. Good times. The goat herders were rightly afraid of everything, it was easy to get ahead. Then, when everything was going great, along came science, education, and the enlightenment; everything was ruined.”

“When I started out, the world was my oyster. I could do anything to anyone. No one took it personally, they weren’t offended. Indeed, some of them welcomed it. I mean, I banged Joseph’s wife, got her up the duff and then had the little bastard nailed to a cross. I still managed to convince the faithful that it was all done out of love. These days social services would be all over me like a rash.”

“But now, these woke fuckers are really pissing me off. It’s all about respect, everyone being equal and treating people fairly. That’s not what I’m about. Haven’t you read my book? I’m a smiter, I see, I smite! That’s me. For fucks sake, I drowned almost everybody, burned cities to the ground and sent the Angel of Death out to slaughter the innocent. Really, read the book, I’m a right bastard.”

“Nowadays, I can’t do anything without someone crying “it’s not fair”. Apparently, I’m “being mean” and not “respecting them as a person”. All that’s left for me is finding car keys and helping millionaire footballers win matches. What sort of life is that for an omnipotent deity?”

“But these American Christians, they are the right kind of crazy, I can work with them. That Trump fellow is perfect, I’m going to make him President. He’s like one of the old-time prophets. Stuffed full of nonsense and off his head on God knows what. But, the people love him. Americans, thrive on hatred, fear and greed and he gives it to them in spades. I can work with that.”

“Did you know they will let anyone carry a gun? I mean, what do they think will happen? They give some little shit an automatic rifle and act surprised when he shoots up his classmates because Mary Lou likes the school quarterback. It happens every week, and do they bring in gun control? No, of course, they don’t. You’ve got to admire that kind of thinking. Absolute nutters. I reckon we can get them to bring back stoning.”

Meanwhile, the residents welcomed God to the neighbourhood with a traditional Texan book-burning barbecue, monster truck rally and community lynching. “It’s great news, property values will go through the roof. Imagine not having to pray anymore, you can pop around his house and ask him directly. I’m hoping for one of them Cybertrucks, I’m sure he’ll give it to me.” Said one Lubbockite.