Manchester City FC have agreed a deal with the Premier League to make 115 “trumped up and ludicrous charges” go away. They have counted the cash twice to make sure the correct amount is in each envelope.

“We felt victimised,” Pep Guardiola told us. “Every club cheats. It’s just that we have more money than anyone else. Paying the Premier League’s disciplinary board off seemed the only way forward.”

Guardiola continued, “They tell me that Everton had a points deduction last season. It was impossible to tell. They had so few points to begin with. And Leicester got away with it altogether. Mark my words, we are being victimised.”

City’s Middle Eastern owners have poured billions into the Club, enabling the team to come out of the shadows of its formerly illustrious neighbour, Oldham Athletic. But now, even the Arabs look poor in Manchester, as noted City fans, Liam and Noel Gallagher prepare to hoover up all the cash in the world as they embark on their Oasis tour. Speculation is rife that the brothers are planning to buy the Club when they return home as “they don’t want City to operate on a shoestring budget.”

Meanwhile, City continue to insist they were innocent all along and that there were no parties at 10 Downing Street during lockdown.

The 2024/25 Premier League trophy is scheduled to be presented to the team captain prior to their home match against Newcastle United on 15 February 2025.

Meanwhile, your government enjoys the free hospitality.