It’s been a good week for Donald Trump. In addition to a sweeping victory in the US Presidential Election, winning the Popular Vote along the way, Trump unexpectedly discovered that he is the 2024 Eastbourne Downs Golf Champion, despite not having competed for the prestigious trophy.

“The people at Eastbourne in England have sent me their 2024 Champion’s Trophy,” Trump told a press conference at his Florida home. “It’s a magnificent trophy, a wonderful trophy, and I’m a really tremendous champion, carding the lowest score they’d ever seen. England is near Scotland, by the way, where my golf course is. My course is a tremendous course. I’m the Champion there, too, you know.”

This isn’t the first time Trump has won a golf tournament he didn’t enter, but at least this time, the golf course does exist. Chatty’s Chief Correspondent confirms that the course sits high above the town with fine views over The Channel. “Given Trump’s willingness to say absolutely anything, we thought we’d engrave his name on a cheap trophy and send it to him. It seems he’s taken the bait,” the Club Captain told us.

The golf world is now waiting to see if Trump will defend his title in 2025. “I’m hoping I can play next year. I’ll tell Elon he can be in charge for a few days while I’m away,” the President-Elect told the Press. “He’s tremendous. Such a clever guy, and he spent such a bigly amount of his own money to have me elected. I like him a lot.”

Meanwhile, Keir Starmer has symptoms of nausea.