British Company wins contract to supply wood, hammer and nails for Saudi Arabian Crucifixions

The Department for Trade and Industry have announced a potentially lucrative, post-brexit, trade deal with Saudi Arabia. DTI officials triumphantly announced the multi-pound deal will open up the lucrative Saudi Arabian weapons and torture market to British companies.

Keen to build on the close relationship between the two ancient monarchies, the DTI sent a delegation of war and torture specialists to the Saudi Kingdom. The team featured several minor Royals, as the Saudis rather like that type of thing.

The inclusion of a representative from Nailfix Direct was accidental. When the DTI put together the guest list the Nailfix representative, Barry Johnson was accidentally included. He was meant to be on the list of those tendering for a new shed at the back of Number 10.

Although surprised to be included, it wasn’t long before spotted an opportunity.

As part of the trading trip, the Saudis laid on a crucifixion especially for the team. Whilst the poor unfortunate atheist was nailed to the cross, Barry felt inspired. He put together a tender pricing non-electric nail guns, nails, wood, paint, concrete and post holders, together with unbeatable delivery dates. The Saudi’s were delighted with the proposal, they plan to increase the number of crucifixions, as more of their subjects study abroad.

Barry explained “It was about being in the right place at the right time. Everyone was talking about cattle prods, electrodes and car batteries and I suddenly thought well, crucifixion worked efficiently 2,000 years ago, why couldn’t it work more efficiently now? . I did the sums and there is a very healthy profit in this for us. I’m pleased some good came out of it, and the atheist didn’t die in vain. This will secure at least 5 jobs in Barnsley.”

Dr Lying Fox, speaking for the DTI explained, “Now we are leaving the EU, this shows the type of trade deal we can put together. It’s British business rising to meet new opportunities.”

It is expected Barry Johnson will receive an award for services to the export industry, in the next honours list.


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