Seven billion people have agreed that President Donald Trump would make a suitable guinea pig for a new scientific experiment in which Domestos is injected into an elderly person to see if it helps stave Coronavirus off or not.
Gianni Napatone, from Rome, told us, “We have had a terrible time in Italy. Mr Trump has some new ideas for treating this terrible disease and we can think of no finer politician to step forward as the first person to try the treatment.”
In America, Billy Bob Napton told us, “It’s a great idea. It might even turn his hair and skin back to their normal colours.”
The President has courted controversy through his handling of the virus, referring to it as “the Chinese virus, and “not my responsibility.” In a Presidential election year in which he might have been expected to see off the Democrats with customary swagger, a disease rampaging through the electorate might become an inconvenience, Blaming it on the Chinese might only work in the most Republican-leaning states, where, ironically, killing people with poisonous drugs is actively encouraged and applauded.
A spokesman for Reckitt Benckiser, the manufacturer of Domestos, pleaded, “Please don’t try this at home. We go to extraordinary lengths even in normal times to stop people misusing our products. Please don’t listen to this orange imbecile.”
Meanwhile, America continues.