Seven billion people have agreed that President Donald Trump would make a suitable guinea pig for a new scientific experiment in which Domestos is injected into an elderly person to see if it helps stave Coronavirus off or not.
Gianni Napatone, from Rome, told us, “We have had a terrible time in Italy. Mr Trump has some new ideas for treating this terrible disease and we can think of no finer politician to step forward as the first person to try the treatment.”
In America, Billy Bob Napton told us, “It’s a great idea. It might even turn his hair and skin back to their normal colours.”
The President has courted controversy through his handling of the virus, referring to it as “the Chinese virus, and “not my responsibility.” In a Presidential election year in which he might have been expected to see off the Democrats with customary swagger, a disease rampaging through the electorate might become an inconvenience, Blaming it on the Chinese might only work in the most Republican-leaning states, where, ironically, killing people with poisonous drugs is actively encouraged and applauded.
A spokesman for Reckitt Benckiser, the manufacturer of Domestos, pleaded, “Please don’t try this at home. We go to extraordinary lengths even in normal times to stop people misusing our products. Please don’t listen to this orange imbecile.”
Meanwhile, America continues.
5-yr-old brought in to explain Liz Truss’s energy cap to Liz Truss
Liz, it was your policy, you announced it, the least you can do is understand it!
Universal Credit claimants welcome the chance to hide their money in UK-Based tax-havens
“No more flying to the Caymans to hide my money when I can just pootle along the M20 to hide my money” says Benefit Claimant.
The Pound achieves parity with The Peanut
As The Pound continues to plummet, the price of peanuts has been rising steadily. Nuts are seen as the safer option for investors.
Categories:Monkey Business, Monkey News
The Chatty Chimp 