Last Friday, Carl Jacksoff, was rushed to hospital after w**king himself into a coma.

Mr Jacksoff, an IT consultant from South Kensington, had recently given up employed work to start his own, home-based, IT business. He launched on Monday, but by Friday he was so physically drained he was no longer able to physically support himself.

His partner, Melanie, returned from work to find Carl in the foetal position with his trousers and pants around his ankles, unconscious and clutching a bag of frozen peas to his sore and swollen groin.

Although he works in IT, Carl explained “I didn’t know there was so much porn out there. On Monday morning I made a cup of coffee, turned on the computer ready to start work, the flat was quiet, I was on my own and I thought I’d just have a quick peak at Porn Hub. The next thing I knew it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon and the waste basket was full of tissues.”

He went on to add “I just couldn’t stop myself, it was like an addiction. I’d start the day with a cup of coffee and a w**k. I went through everything I could find in the flat to use as a lubricant. In the end it was getting quite sore.”

“Every time I started to do some work, I’d find myself logging in to Chunky Chicks, Bangin’ Bangers or Cum Cannons Galore. It’s a sign of age, when I was a teenager 4 or 5 w**ks a day was no problem, ut now I it’s just too much.”

Melanie said she didn’t notice anything was wrong, she just thought the reason he was looking haggard and drawn was down to starting a new business, although she was a bit puzzled by the smell and why she had run out of face cream so quickly.

Now, every morning Melanie seals his hands in oven mits with gaffer tape and he types with a pencil in his teeth. This seems to have sorted the problem.