Monkey News

Latest exam results are the best ever again

For the fortieth year running, education chiefs have announced that A Level and GCSE exam pass rates have increased yet again.

The A Level pass rate is now up to 94.5689% and the GCSE pass rate sits at 92.456128%.

The annual increase in exam pass rates has become a cause for some controversy as older people fail to understand that every year the intelligence of pupils and ability of teachers increases.

Neil Davies, from the Department of Education, explained, “It is simply unacceptable that the Education Minister could stand up, and tell the country, that exam results have not gotten better. One thing we know is that the education of the children gets Tory Parents out to vote.” He added, “You have no idea about the amount of work that goes into massaging the figures, we make the questions easier, rate and pay teachers and schools on pass rates, structure the syllabus just to pass the test and make it easier for schools to exclude any children who have a grade average below A.”

This year the grading scale was altered from the traditional A,B,C,D,E,U to A,AA,AAA,AAAA,AAAAA,AAAAAA,U. This was to ensure that every child would leave school with A grades. This is thought to have lead to the 0.000014% in the overall pass rate.

There was some controversy in GCSE Science when not enough pupils passed, so the grade band was moved down, leading to many pupils deciding they now want to study Astro-physics at University.

There was concern from both employers and institutes of learning about the quality of basic academic skills displayed by school leavers. Paul Makinson of the University Allocation Student Service (UASS) explained, “Universities have to spend a year training new entrants to read and write before we can let them loose on their undergraduate degrees. We aren’t sure what the schools and colleges are teaching potential underegraduates, although it does appear some of the students are very good at colouring in.”

One thing is for certain, this row is going to rumble on every year until someone with teaching experience and half a brain takes over at the Department of Education.

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