On a historic day for Britain’s finances, The Pound achieved parity with The Peanut. The Governments devaluation strategy of using incompetent leaders has worked. This morning The Pound plummeted past The Euro and The Banana before settling at one Peanut.

The Government claim this is a fantastic opportunity for their friends to trade peanuts. Many old schoolmates had already short-sold The Pound and filled their bird feeders.

Critics questioned Government policy.  One Minister responded, “Given the post-Brexit apocalypse we are facing, peanuts are likely to be the only thing left to eat.”

Monkeys were appalled at the sharp rise in the cost of peanuts, having to resort to bananas and cake for tea. Cheetah said, “Oook, heee, oooh!” which is the most sensible comment we could find.

Employers thought the sudden devaluation of The Pound didn’t affect them as they’d been paying peanuts for ages, and all they’d gotten was a load of old monkeys.

The Treasury admitted they’d known this day was coming and had been selling off gold to buy peanuts. The Department of Something or Other has installed a computer system to ensure all pension and Universal Credit payments will be in peanuts. One Minister said, “People have said our pension and benefits system pays peanuts; thanks to this Conservative Government, this is literally true.”

Meanwhile, shops are running desperately short of peanuts, and Waitrose has reported panic buying of Cashews and Almonds as wealthy investors try to get ahead of the secondary nut market.

Beryl Jenkins was lucky enough to find a giant packet of KP left over from last years Xmas party. She said, “It’s great news; after the government cut my pension, I didn’t have anything to leave to the family, but now this will provide a nice little nest egg for the grandkids.”