Sadly, Britain’s lost one of our most anonymous, and least effective, front-line politicians, Dr Flying Focks.
Dr Focks graduated from the University of Glasgow, a feat in itself. After qualifying as a GP, he felt better suited to a career in politics, rather than one where he actually helped people.
Unsurprisingly, he became a Conservative MP, serving in minor government positions until the Tories were booted out in 1997 and spending the next 13 years as a Shadow Minister, where he accomplished very little of note.
In 2010 the Conservatives returned and he became Defence Secretary, holding office for 17 months. Then the national press told him he’d done something wrong. He wasn’t so sure, blaming an ‘error of judgement’ for his wholly inappropriate behaviour.
Not to be left out, he joined the rest of the house in the expenses scandal, over-claiming £22,476 in mortgage interest payment. Having done absolutely nothing wrong, he repaid the money.
However, It was as a Brexiteer he gained redemption.
Seduced by his tales of Empire, Theresa charged him with restoring Britain as a great trading nation. In 2017, he claimed the post Brexit EU deal would be “the easiest in human history” and added “there is no contingency planning for a no deal scenario”.
Alas, the commentators curse struck and shortly before his death, there was still no deal in place and the government are stockpiling food and medicine, the army are on national alert and the M20 is to be a giant car park.
Working hard at International Trade, his team racked up 240,000 air-miles, in a futile attempt to make post-Brexit trade deals. Many foreign ministers who met him, said, “Thanks for coming, we haven’t had such a good laugh since you sent that clown, in a baggy suit, out to meet us.”
His department sent Theresa May, to conga round the Congo, in an attempt to boost trade relations with countries we had shamelessly exploited, in our pre EU days. It’s still unclear how the Chinese will respond to these overtures.
He will be missed, few have given so little in helping us become what we are today.