Monkey News

DUP say “Thanks for the money, Theresa, but we’re off now”

Theresa May and Arlene Foster are on the verge of divorcing ahead of this months budget speech. This could spell disaster for Theresa May’s future plans, as without the support of the nice people from Norn Ireland her government doesn’t have a working majority and she may well lose her position.

It’s thought the split has occurred as the DUP have spent the £1 Billion Theresa gave them and without further funding, Arlene doesn’t see any point in running the country any longer. 

At Westminster, they are currently shoving their hands down the back of the sofa, to see if they can find some loose change to give to the DUP.

Without DUP support it’s unlikely Theresa will get her Brexit Bill through parliament and the Norn Irish know this. The DUP are in favour of Brexit, as long as, ironically, nothing changes in Norn Ireland, Even though they know this is unrealistic, they see this as the perfect excuse to get even more money out of Westminster.

Additionally, Arlene is thought to have become fed up with Theresa constantly asking her permission for everything. The last straw came after Mrs May raised questions about abortion, gay marriage and cake making.

Theresa has been told, in no uncertain terms, she isn’t allowed to change anything that goes against what ever rubbish ‘The Protestants’ have cherry picked out of The Bible.

Faced with the undignified site of our Prime Minister dancing to the Unionists tune, its expected she will discard what little is left of her self-respect and do whatever it takes to retain power and keep Boris Johnson out of Downing Street.